I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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