I am puke
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I wish you could order shots online.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Can I color on your dick again?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
