Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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