Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
