Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
