If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The best revenge is premature balding
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
