Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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