i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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