I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
