Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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