Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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