Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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