i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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