Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
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