i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
