I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
