listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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