I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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