My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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