I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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