jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
