found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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