normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
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