My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
