someone get that fucking seahorse.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Randomize
