maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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