Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
false alarm. still invincible.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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