Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
She bit a glass in half.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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