oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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