Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
