onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Just invented taco cereal.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
