I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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