Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i jhust puked up my retainher.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
