I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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