I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
