HIV tests are more positive than that guy
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It's never too late to be topless.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
