So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
