I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
