He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
