i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just pee around me
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
