How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
