I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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