You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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