i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
