I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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