is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
