if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
