You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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