i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
