Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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