Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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