so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
