Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
