don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
