fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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