I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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