After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
