As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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