I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
