the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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