I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize